America the beautiful, powerful, and (formerly) economically stable! With the 4th of July coming up this Friday, everyone is scrambling with last minute vacation and celebration plans to show their true support for the US of A. How do you plan on celebrating our end to British tyranny? You could always go out and buy some sparklers, snakes, and soda…if you’re a two year old! Here are some pointers on how to celebrate USA Day like a real American man.
1. Mull(et)ing around the Fu-Manchu
Nothing says “God Bless America” more than doing a little sculpting of the hair on your head and face. The problem is, these things take time. The iconic facial-hair style would obviously be a Fu Manchu, which just sounds American. You are going to want to grow a goatee for anywhere between a week and two months, depending on your testosterone levels.Â Once you have grown a thick enough goatee, you need to shave the middle off, Hulk Hogan style. You will be an American super-stud!
An even more iconic look for USA Day would be the glorified mullet. Business in the front and party in the back means manly man. You are going to want to spend at least 3 months growing your hair long. Obviously it is a little late for it now, but if you happen to already have long hair, head down to the nearest Supercuts, and ask for the All-American Mullet. Try to do this the day before the 4th rather than a week or so before. After all of that hard work, the last thing you are going to want to do is cut it when you find out you have to go to the funeral of your great aunt Mildred, whom you met once. For some reason ponytails are not as frowned upon at family gatherings as mullets.
2. Buy all of your USA Day apparel and BBQ Ingredients at Walmart
Obviously you need USA Gear for the 4th, or you aren’t a patriot. Walmart is the only place that truly embodies American pride. Between their hunting gear and 5 for 1 discounts on Spam, it is your one-stop-shop for everything American. Maneuver your carts down the aisles while you run into your friends, neighbors, and formerly hot cheerleaders from high school (now 30 lbs heavier, and pushing a shopping cart with Betty-Sue, Billy-Jean, and Bobby-Dean fighting to stand on the back of it). You can grab your wieners, buns, wife-beaters, and “Made in China” American Flags in one trip!
3. Buy Illegal Fireworks from the Back of a Pick Up Truck
Everyone knows that when it comes to celebrating Independence Day, you’re going to want to go for the bigger bang for your buck. The best way to do this…buy illegal fireworks from random stands on the back-country roads. Usually these fireworks are imported from other countries and require some bartering, and a nice cover-up of children in the car if stopped by a police officer. Though you are using your Sunday drive to purchase something that will likely blow off your thumbs, with a cover-up of children in church gear, how could an officer be suspicious? Go ahead and purchase your M-80s, and make sure to find the perfect porta-potties to hide them in.
4. Ask the People Selling Them Why They “Ain’t Speakin’ American”
Notice that these illegal fireworks are generally imported…actually, even the legal ones are…well usually the people that are selling them are as well. There’s nothing more American than going off on rants about why people that come to America should be speaking American. They came to this country from other places, thinking that we’re going to accept them and have some melting pot society…well who do they think they are? They are nothing like us, who were born here, despite the fact that our ancestors are from all countries but the USA…well unless Native American, but “ain’t they all still on reservations anyway? Livin’ in dem der tee-pees…”
5. Bandanas, Beaters, and Board Shorts, Oh My!
Though uniforms are generally synonymous with prep schools and porn films, there is a uniform associated with USA Day. To prove your American, alpha-male dominance, you have to wear the following: a wife beater, an American flag bandana, and board shorts with either an American Flag pattern, or a Corona logo, since Corona is American for Mexican beer. This and more could be yours for the low Walmart price of $23.99. One thing to take off of your shopping list: sunscreen. Nothing is hotter on a guy than a beater-burn.
6. Chew, Manweiser, and Jack
To go along with the uniform, there are certain celebration staples as well. First is some dip, chew, or spit. Obviously seeing a man spit black stuff out of his mouth (likely into something clear and plastic making the spit and tobacco combination all the more visible) while talking with a speech impediment will make any foreigner take a second glance and say “Wow, what an American.”
To truly imbibe and show your pride, you are only permitted to drink American beer, specifically Budweiser…or as real American men call it…Manweiser. They may be bought out by a Belgian Company, so this could be the last year to really celebrate like an American man with a beer that will put hair on your chest and a keg on your stomach rather than a six pack…which is exactly what you need to fill out your beater. No need to fear. If Manweiser goes to those commies, who just happen to have a parliamentary democracy, there’s always PBR. Another staple is Whiskey. They call Jack (Daniels), Jim (Beam), and Johnny (Walker) the Three Wise Men for a reason. No drinking Jack and Coke, pussy-style! You’re drinking this straight from the bottle until you are seeing double and fighting with the air.
7. All American Cuisine, featuring Freedom Fries and Nathan Kosher Hot Dogs.
If you are going to be patriotic today, then eat like a patriot! Indulge in popular American foods such as hot dogs, burgers, potato salad, and many gelatinous creations in assorted red-white-and-blue colors. For the health nut, you can stick with the corn on the cob or watermelon, but frankly, it is Un-American to eat a meal less than 5000 calories on this day. If you can’t slather it in mustard, ketchup, mayo, and/or cool-whip, what really is the point? You can even have your own hot dog eating contest, to really pack on those All-American pounds. If too timid to ingest that many hot dogs, you can always live vicariously through Joey Chestnut or Takeru Kobayashi on ESPN. Watching Kobayashi stuff his face with Nathan Kosher Hot Dogs every July 4th screams “Proud to be free from tyrannical Britain!”
8. Cornhole: the Game of Our Founding Fathers
Everyone knows that after the Declaration of Independence was signed, the first thing out of John Hancock’s mouth was “Let’s all indulge in some good old-fashioned cornholing!” Get your mind out of the gutter! They wanted to toss beanbags at a hole in a piece of plywood. Don’t worry, if you do not have plywood or beanbags, you can always start your own impromptu game using the empty cardboard beer cases, and in place of the beanbags, something light, like crumpled up paper or perhaps salad. It has taken the place of horseshoes as the game to play at BBQs, since beanbags are less likely to give you a concussion. If you find yourself to have a knack for cornholing, the American Cornhole Organization may have a spot on their pro tour for you.
9. USA Day : Nascar :: Thanksgiving : Football
Since the fireworks don’t usually start until later, you can enjoy your all-day BBQ, and once you are good and drunk, it’s time to head inside to watch NASCAR! The best way to celebrate USA Day this year is to enjoy the Winn Dixie 250 with all of your man friends. What could be more exciting than sitting in front of a TV for countless hours watching cars make a series of strategic left turns? The best part is, since the races last so long, you will be able to leave, stake out a nice piece of lawn at the local high school, watch the fireworks, come back, and the cars will STILL be driving around in circles.
10. Keeping “God Bless the USA” on Repeat While Watching the Fireworks
Can’t we just make this our National Anthem already? Country Crooner, Lee Greenwood, knew what he was doing when he wrote this song. It is probably one of the only songs to hit the Billboard Charts twice, with the second time being almost 20 years after it was written. He is like the Harrison Ford of Country Music. Nothing says America like twangy country, and nothing says patriotism like “God Bless the USA.” In fact, according to a valid source known as Wikipedia, this song is not only used as entrance music when Hulk Hogan (a proud and patriotic sporter of the Fu Manchu) enters a ring, but during US Naturalization ceremonies, new citizens get to enjoy a video with this song playing over patriotic images. This is obviously very appropriate considering all new US Citizens are Christian. So go ahead and belt out that song as the fireworks begin. This is the one case where it’s OK to be a man and cry.
Make this THE American Holiday by enjoying it the way our forefathers intended… like a meat eating, beer chugging, wood-chopping American man. This USA Day, don’t be afraid to let your mullet down and take a nice dip into the plastic kiddie pool. Most importantly, don’t forget to honor our troops, veterans, and founding fathers by getting ridiculously drunk, watching explosions, and fighting people.Â On this single holiday, we may be boosting the economies of more third world countries than the UN, but it’s the American way. U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A!