Gentlemen, picture your life 6 months ago: your idea of a good night on the town involved throwing on a t-shirt and jeans, heading down to your favorite dive bar, and chugging cheap beer while playing pool. Unkempt, unassuming, and uninhibited. Suddenly something happens…you add a girlfriend to the equation. Now when you head out it is to a crowded lounge with $6 beer and $10 martinis, all purchased by you of course, wearing a button down, 7-jeans, and some odd looking shoes that are completely uncomfortable and over-priced, but she insisted look “sooo hot.” She’s attractive, she’s fun, and she’s smart, but she is the harbinger of change and you are her helpless victim. It’s no longer your way or the high way, it’s her way or the trip down the one-lane dirt road, with potholes. These potholes involve crying, whining, and verbal abuse, enough to make any man cringe. Soon you will find yourself wearing matching outfits to the mall while you hold her Hermes bag with toy poodle in it. Your masculinity may be in jeopardy, but all is not lost my friend. Your emasculated balls may still be reattached without the use of superglue, rubber cement, or other adhesive, and without being forced out of a relationship with her and into a relationship with your left hand. Before you consider offing yourself, or are forced into buying a platinum, princess-cut, engagement ring, try turning the tide in your favor by getting your balls back!

The Admonishable Snow Woman

The first way to tell if your lady-friend is going down the castration war-path is she becomes overly critical. At first this will start off as a half-joking remark here and there, making comments like, “Do you really think you NEED that extra piece of cake” or “I think I’ve seen a car like yours before in a dump. Maybe it should join its brother.” After a long and arduous relationship, these half-joking snide remarks will eventually turn into “Get off of your ass and do something! You disgust me!” or “If you don’t buy a new car, I am going to find a new boyfriend!” They always say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there is a fine line between a beauty and a bitch, and the longer you remain a subordinate, the bigger the bitch becomes. These types of girls are the ones that won’t be happy until you fit their perfect mold and even then, there will be something wrong…”Put your shirt back on in this 90 degree weather! Other girls are looking at you!!” or “Your car is too flashy…are you trying to pick up other chicks?” Generally people that are unsatisfied with everything and anything are merely insecure, but they will make your life a living hell to ensure you don’t realize this. They will knock you out and drag you down until the only sign of man left is the location where your genitalia used to sit, which has been replaced with a Ken-doll-like plastic bulge.

Signs that Your Balls Have Disappeared (Figuratively)

It’s all fun and games until people no longer consider you a guy. This always starts off slowly and then snowballs into something pink and doused in glitter. First she will ask you to hold her purse, and then walk her small, feminine dog in a pink outfit, then all of a sudden she will be picking out all of your outfits when she gets bored with the dog. Face it…all you are to this girl is her life-sized dress-up doll. You now find yourself being forced into wearing the clothes she buys you that you think look stupid, but she thinks looks trendy. You are finding yourself spending more time in the bathroom than you did when you were in there with your dad’s nudie mags when you were 13…not because of a fuller spank bank or more fibrous fare, but because of the hair products, moisturizers, cuticle cream, and dreaded hair wax. You have become every man’s worst nightmare…an Ashton Kutcher clone. The number one sign that you have no balls…You were forced into seeing the Sex in the City movie. I don’t care how much you love this girl. No man with testicles should be forced to sit through 2.5 hours of old, lonely, and pretentious whores talk about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness while shopping for designer clothes and sipping on cosmos.

Picking Your Balls Up From the Pawn Shop

Before you get sucked in anymore than you already have been by this Succubus, you may want to reevaluate your relationship. There are three different ways you can deal with this situation. You can A. start treating her like crap and/or ignoring her. This is not exactly the best or most mature method, but if the girl feels like she is neither in control, nor has the upper hand anymore, she will come back begging and stop being a bitch. This is manipulative and vindictive, but the method does work, at least for a temporary period of time until she takes your balls away again for bad behavior. You can B. Just be honest with her, which is the most recommended method. If you don’t want to do something then you shouldn’’t have to…within reason. As a couple you still need to compromise, just learn to say no to the extremes, which may be hard to do with no balls. If she wants you to wear some sort of girl pants/mascara combo to look more like a hot, Pete Wentz, just say no! If she wants you to skip the Super Bowl to go to her book-club meeting, just say no! It’s all about standing up for yourself and rationalizing in a non-confrontational manner. If you do this she will probably start thinking more like a person and less like a prissy prima-donna… if not there is always Option C…dump the bitch and find a girl who likes you for who you are! No piece of tail is worth potential years of pain and suffering.

Nourishing Your Reattached Balls

Now that your balls are back they need some nourishment and TLC. The problem with having your balls detached for such a long period of time is sometimes you forget how to act like a man…In fact, you may have started bleeding monthly. If you have managed to maintain your relationship, compromise is the key to happiness. Stand your ground on all of the things that matter, but it’s not going to kill you to sit through one chick flick with her (unless Sex in the City…this means you have a vagina) for every movie with senseless violence that she has to endure for you. There is a difference between not wanting to do something because it is so embarrassing even your grandmother would laugh at you for being a pussy, and not doing something just because you don’t feel like it. In a relationship things should be 50-50. Getting your balls back is no excuse for being a dick (no pun intended). In the off chance that your controlling girlfriend is now an ex, it’s time to get out that t-shirt and jeans hiding out in the back of your now color-coded closet, and start enjoying some man time with your friends involving brawling, boozing, and bitches. Though at first you may want to cower into a corner when seeing women that you can actually sleep with, eventually it will become more natural and eventually you will become a man again. The last step in ensuring your balls are back and still in tact…go chop some firewood you bitch!

Originally published on PureStyle Magazine